Would it be satisfying and empowering to make this the last time he ever does that?

Of course, it would. At this moment, he is a Rhino in need of wrestling!

He knows he will get a reaction, but, won't he be surprised when he gets a response? Reacting comes with having a body. You feel violated, frustrated, irritated, angry, or hurt, and your body reacts. It's that simple.

The first step, then, is to take a long slow breath. Inhale through your nose and release the breath slowly through your mouth. This slows down the visceral reaction and gives you a moment to think.

Always, the first question you must ask yourself while taking that breath is:

"What do I want as a result of this exchange?",/P>

Do you want him to feel he 'got you'? That would be simple. Give him a killer look, cry, sputter or swear. He 'got you'.

Do you want him to realize that he cannot treat you that way? Time to speak up.

Do you trust yourself to speak then? Are you at a loss for words while you're squirming to take the knife out of your back? Are you afraid of his reaction if you do speak?

You deserve to be treated with respect just because you breathe. Unless you have done something so terrible that no thinking person would ever consider engaging in conversation with you, you deserve to be spoken to respectfully. First, you have to believe that.

Got it?

Are you an 'avoider'?

Some people will take all kinds of abuse, simply lie down and take it, rather than speak up. If that's you, it's definitely time for a change.

If you were raised in a 'peace at all costs' environment, examine this and see if it is actually what you believe. People have no right to walk all over you. But, they will if you let them.

It's time to stand up, brush your 'doormat' self off and speak up. No one has the right to treat you badly. No one!

Are you an 'accomodater'?

"I want you to like me so much that I'll just keep giving you what you want. It doesn't matter that I am suffering over here. I just want you to be happy."

If that sounds like your internal conversation...or your behavior...give your head a shake.

You have feelings, opinions, desires, preferences. You have a right to give them a voice and have them considered in any relationship. Take another breath and fully take up the space you're standing on. Tell the truth about what you want.

The first step in speaking up is to believe that you deserve to be treated well. The second is to be willing to tell another human being two things: how you feel and what you want.

It's that simple. Let's go back to that 'hit-and-run' fellow at the beginning of the article.

How I feel:
"I want you to know that I feel discounted and hurt when I hear things like that." (A weather report from you.)

What I want:
"...and, I want the one-liners sent in my direction to stop. If you have something you would like to discuss with me, let's sit down and talk about it. When would you like to do that?"

Wow!

That might be a stretch for you, but, think of the effect on the one-liner Rhino.

He may laugh from arrogance or embarrassment. He may do a double-take because the behavior is unexpected. He may, though, respond with more information.

It's likely that he does not have the 'people skills' necessary to engage in a problem-solving conversation. That's very common with 'hit-and-run' folks. Press your point.

"I want the hurtful one-liners to stop. Let's sit down and figure out what the problem really is and create a solution. When is a good time for you?"

This alone may stop his behavior. Some Rhinos feed on doormats.

Simply stop the food supply. Speak up!

© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD http://www.OptimizeInstitute.com

Dr. Rhoberta Shaler solves 'people problems' at work by making it easier to talk about difficult things. Dr. Shaler speaks to, trains and coaches executives and entrepreneurs worldwide in the communication skills essential to creating powerful conversations that reduce conflict and anger, build trust, and streamline negotiation. The rewards: stronger teams, optimized productivity and increased profits. Author of over a dozen books and audio programs, Dr. Shaler's new book, Wrestling Rhinos: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds of Work is receiving rave reviews for “helping people to play nicely in the company sandbox”. She is the founder of the Optimize! Institute in Escondido, CA. Visit the Institute's website for information on upcoming teleseminars and programs and to subscribe to Rhoberta's free newsletter.

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