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Cell Mates Or Soul Mates?
Five Steps to Get the Love Back
by Joshua Coleman, Ph.D.
A new study found that people today have far fewer friends than they did in the recent past. Most of those surveyed said that they had only one person that they confided in (typically their spouse) or no one that they confided in.
This worries me. One of the things that I see over and over in my friends and in couples are people giving a lot to their kids and careers and not enough to themselves and their marriages.
Less support often means more stressed out families. Here are some steps to protect yours:
Take responsibility for how you contribute to the problems in the relationship
We’re all flawed as humans. You will get much further with your partner by saying any of the following, starting with “I’m sorry:”
"I know I can be impatient; I know I can be irritable; I know I have to work on my temper; I know we haven’t had much sex; I know I haven’t been home or available or sensitive or tender” - or any other one of a hundred character flaws that any of us can have that drive our partners up the wall.
2. Make some damn time for your marriage!
Your kids will survive if you get babysitting once a week so that you can remember why you married the person who now seems like such a jerk to you.
3 Appreciate everything!
I mean everything:
Thanks for taking out the garbage, doing the dishes, making dinner, being a breadwinner, being a partial breadwinner, being a great mom, being a great dad, being funny, smart, creative, talented, adventurous, generous, caring, fun, sexy, nice, kind, interesting, committed - whatever it is, find something to appreciate on a daily basis. Daily!
Don't say, "I shouldn't have to appreciate that because that's what he/she is supposed to be doing." Do it anyway.
4. Have rules about the end of the day
All couples should have an agreement about what will transpire in the hour when they re-connect from work and home. The person who has had primary responsibility for the children will want to hand the kids off to the other parent, while the working parent will want some down time before kicking into parenting gear.
The only rule is that you come to an agreement that feels fair to both of you, but you have to make time an agreement. Be willing to re-negotiate if it's not working after a month or two.
5. Bite your tongue!
Wonder why your partner doesn’t want to be close to you? It may be because you don’t talk or behave in a way that makes him or her want to.
Our culture over-values the expression of emotion. Conversations end the way that they begin so if you start off hostile, your conversation is going to end that way.
Think about what outcome you want before you speak and consider whether what you’re about to say will bring you nearer to that goal. Talk to your partner like you like him or her.
Agree? Disagree? Email me at josh@joshuacoleman.com.
© Copyright 2000-2006 Joshua Coleman
Dr. Joshua Coleman is an internationally known expert in parenting, couples, families, and relationships. He has appeared on ABC 20/20, Good Morning America, The Today Show (Australia), the BBC, and numerous news programs. His advice has been featured in numerous publications around the world. He is the author of the forthcoming When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along (HarperCollins, July 2007) as well as The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework (St Martin’s Press); Imperfect Harmony: How to Stay Married for the Sake of Your Children and Still Be Happy (St Martin’s Press); and The Marriage Makeover: Finding Happiness in Imperfect Harmony (St Martin’s Press). Dr. Coleman's service include individual and couple’s therapy, teleseminars and workshops, and infertility counseling with third party reproductive evaluations. Visit his website for more information.
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