Don't Make a Nuisance of Yourself!

Do you find yourself correcting others' talk?

Some of you may have the urge to improve others by pointing out their various mistakes.

If you are a parent correcting your children, that's your role: To teach them their native language and basic courtesy. Similarly, if you are a speech coach, or tutor, or in a supervisory position over an employee (such as a sales manager), it would be appropriate for you to comment on and correct how others talk.

But correcting others without permission, that can, and often does, cause relationship troubles.

As an example of correcting, your friend says "He made me so mad I literally exploded!" Seeking to "improve" your friend's expression, you say "You didn't literally explode, you figuratively exploded."

Of course. You are correct, she is incorrect. Now, has your comment been helpful?

You have corrected her content, but you have probably dented your relationship. You have shown yourself to be superior with your understanding of language, and you have shown her to be mistaken. (Did you get a good return on your investment of correcting her?)

The late meditation master, Chogyam Trungpa, Rinpoche, often advised "Don't make a nuisance of yourself." In the context in which he was speaking, he meant "Don't go around pointing out the personal flaws of others. You still have work left to do on yourself without using your energy to improve others."

Types of nuisance comments you might make

1. Correcting grammar, pronunciation, or facts

Glenda says "Between you and I, Betty . . ." and you say, "You should say between you and ME, Glenda. You want to use correct grammar, don't you?"

Even though your knowledge of grammar may be superior to that of your friend, it is a prescriptivist's folly to intervene with corrections.

Or, for example, you say, "When the Korean War began in 1951 . . ." and Glenda says "I think you'll find that the war began in 1950, Betty."

2. Challenging others

George says, "The critics claim this wine is one of the very best ones for the price", and Roseanne says "Just who are those critics, anyway? What do they know?" (You have just uncorked the bottle to serve the wine and want to avoid an unnecessary argument.)

When I was an undergraduate at the University of Minnesota, a fellow student in my rooming house used to constantly challenge me by peppering me with questions he had learned in his pre-law studies from a Jesuit professor. I was naïve, and he was well-trained and seemed to enjoy this game.

The problem? Two very different conversational structures: I was engaging in routine social conversation, and he was conducting a kind of legalistic cross-examination. After a while, I sought to avoid him.

3. Zealous monitoring and commenting

As you talk, you are being carefully observed by Helen, who occasionally offers comments such as "I notice you have a rather unusual accent. Where did you pick that up?" and "Have you noticed how fast you talk and that you often change the subject?"

When others pay careful attention to your process - the way you talk rather than the content of what you say, you'll probably begin to feel self-conscious, become less spontaneous, and talk in a guarded manner.

Exceptions:

If another person is using sexist, racist, or obscene language, it would be appropriate to tell them to stop, that you don't want to hear it. (In the workplace, such language may even be illegal and grounds for dismissal.)

Another exception: If you want to engage in an argument and present your points with evidence to back them up, it makes sense to challenge facts and assumptions. However, in ordinary social conversation, such challenges are out of line.

Unless we are hired to do so, it is not our job to go around "improving" others.

"The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."
--William James, psychologist.

Loren Ekroth © 2006, All rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life. His articles and programs strengthen critical communication skills for business and professional people. Contact Loren at Loren@conversation-matters.com. Check out a wealth of valuable resources and articles at http://www.conversation-matters.com and subscribe to his weekly Better Conversations ezine.

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