Yes, they will leave the "nest"!

This sounds obvious, doesn't it?

But, from personal experience, I can tell you that having children leave home is stressful on parents and children alike. As a parent, you plan for the special day, thinking you are handling all your emotions well, only sometimes to be attacked by fear for your children at the last minute.

It is only normal to worry for your children. But, by practicing some positive forethought; you can ease your worry, avoid pointless "battles" over whose packing this or that, and make the event more enjoyable for everyone.

Come to terms early with the fact that your children will be leaving soon. My wife,Margaret, and I started thinking about our children leaving six months before the day they left. It really helps to think about all the wonder that awaits them as they begin a new stage in their life, not just all the "bad" things that might happen, and think about those positive things often.

As we came to realize our children were leaving, we focused on the dream each of them have for their future to help ease our anxiety. Our oldest son, Aaron wants to design and build snowboards. And, our youngest son, Christopher wants to be a carpenter. Our daughter, Natosha, wants to own a message therapy business. Thoughts of their dreams still help us to cope with worry about our children.

You may never get rid of anxiety over your children's welfare and that's ok. But, showing that frustration on the day they are leaving doesn't help get them moved!

Try to make the day of their leaving a positive one, and tell yourself can always worry about them the day after. You might just find that there's much less to worry about than you ever believed!

Allow them to fail!

Children can be very vunerable to the depressing effects of failure on the road to adulthood. They are still faced with peer pressure and family, often the most intense pressures of all. But, now they are faced with the additional pressures of dealing with a boss, paying bills, and possibly of raising finance for housing.

You were there for all their failures as a child. It doesn't have to change when children leave home, but the way you handle it should change and will likely determine how much conflict occurs with your children when they fail.

It is very hard not to just jump in a try to fix things for your children, as you did when they were little. But, failure is a part of growing and living.

They must think not only of what they want, but of the consequences of their decisions

I admit, we raised very strong-minded children. One of our agreements with them has always been if they could bring an idea to us with a good reason for a change in our rules, we would let them try it. This makes a child think not only of what they want, but of the consequences of changing the rule...they learn to take ownership of their position.

Here's where I have watched parents fumble and a conflict immediately arise. When children fail at trying something, some parents say those four fatal word; "I told you so." These four words don't ever really comfort and often cause young adults to resent coming to a parent in the first place. You can see it in a child's eyes.

If you developed a strong relationship with them early on, your children will ask if they need help. But, allow them to fail and give them a chance to fix things before asking if they need your help. Talk to them about what happened, only lend your experience if it has something to add...something that a child can use to mend the failure.

Letting a child fail is most likely the hardest lesson for a parent to learn, but it is also very likely the most important gift you can give your children at this point in their life…true independence to accept mistakes and move on.

Be there for their success stories also

Along with new failures, will be new successes for your children as adults.

Remember what it was like when you shared their triumphs growing up? From loosing their first tooth to graduating high school, you were there. That feeling of pride doesn't change as they become an adult.

Recently, I got a call from my daughter. She has been looking for a new health clinic that covers chiropractic care. She was so full of excitement on the phone about the new place; she had found all on her own, and she could barely contain her enthusiasm. My pride soared and I told her so.

Make the time for the special moments when your adult children come bearing news of personal success. It costs very little and the reward is priceless.

Stay "hip" to the world your child lives in

My wife and I don't always agree with our children, but have always made it a point to be involved and understand their world as it changes. Precisely because of our involvement in their earlier years, when it comes to issues they are now facing, they more frequently come to us with the question - "What do you think about....?"

Let the "child" in you out once in awhile

You may not share in the same kind of games with your children as you did when they were growing up, but you can still have fun with them. Most of all, you can still laugh with your children, which might be one of the most important things to do. As a child, my daughter loved to tell jokes and kid around with my wife and me.

Today, we still laugh, tell jokes, and poke fun at the silly things we say or do. Remember, laughing, skipping, and running never go out of style and are always "good medicine" at any age.

Your children might be out of the house, but they're still watching you

You don't stop being a role model just because your children leave home! In fact, your words and actions are likely to speak even louder after your children turn adult.

By the time your children leave home, they have come to expect years of the same type of general behavior and guidance from you. Trust me; there will be times when they need to rely on that same behavior and guidance they have grown accustomed to seeing from you. They are out of the house, but youare still the parent.

Although I am very honest with my children, like every parent, I have made mistakes that called my behavior into question. I admit the easier way out sometimes would have been to just say, "I'm the parent, you the child..do as I say, not as I do."

My children would never stand for that answer and I believe most children, at any age, really don't accept that answer, whether they say so or not.

Like, "I told you so," telling children to ignore your behavior is a reply that causes a backlash of hurt feelings, confusion, and conflict. Fact is, the parent is always the older adult, but what kind of behavior do we want to see in our grandchildren?

There may be a new friend in your adult children

As your children grow into adulthood, your relationship with them can bring a pleasant surprise. > Developing strong bonds, has now led us to being friends, as well as parents as our children grow older. The world has changed a lot in twenty years or so. Yet, we now find ourselves sharing common views with our children on issues like gas prices…(for sure!)…war in Iraq, business ownership…education…and, for us, grandchildren!

You will always be a parent, but you can be a friend with your children as they grow into adulthood as well. It is a special feeling to be able to exchange ideas with your adult children and give advice when asked. In fact, you just might find yourself with a fresh look at the world through their eyes.

Watching your child grow into adulthood is one of the greatest treasures of parenthood. Often, it seems to happen overnight, giving only just a little "window" of time for parent and child to adjust themselves and their relationship to change.

It is a time to be enjoyed, and sets the course for how we relate to our children as adults for the rest of our lives and how they eventually raise their children.

Copyright, 2006, David Duncan

David Duncan lives in in Saint Paul, Minnesota. He has spent the last twenty-five years in the Food/Hospitality industry in various leadership roles. In 1994, he graduated from Metropolitan State University (Saint Paul) with a degree in Non-Profit Administration. David also runs an independent home business together with his wife, Margaret. You can contact David at david.duncan2006@hotmail.com. Visit David and Margaret's website at: http://duncansaisling.com.

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When 'Everybody Does It!' Comes Back to Haunt You
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