It was 5:30 AM. My home office phone rang and I startled awake.

It was someone I considered a colleague and I gently reminded him that, although it was a respectable 8:30 AM where he was, it was some absurd time for waking where I live. He failed to respond in any generous manner and I realized he had his knickers in a knot.

Was I expecting a torrent of abuse at 5:30 AM? No, not then, nor any other time, for that matter. However, it flew at me.

“I sent your assistant the information ten days ago. I was very generous to send it at all and certainly gave you much more than you gave me. What’s he playing at? What is he trying to get away with? I think he is shockingly dishonest. He has not done what he said he would do. What are you trying to pull? I’m shocked.”

And on and on it went in the way of a person who has no people skills.

I asked him to slow down and to consider the sequence of events.

We had sent him our part of the project two months prior and had waited patiently for him to do what he promised. He did not do it, so, I wrote and asked when we could expect it…after waiting for seven weeks for him to do his part.

Oh, no, he would not hear that that had any bearing on his upset today. He had responded last week and why had we not complied.

Incendiary language of blame, anger, upset and irritation was not going to help us solve this issue!

I told him that incendiary language of blame, anger, upset and irritation was not going to help us solve this issue. He repeated his pain. Finally, I told him to stop.

I would look into the issue and find the facts. When he was ready to discuss facts, we could talk again. I also told him that extracting "dishonesty" and "trying to get away with something" as descriptors of our interaction was extreme.

Big surprise! He repeated his libelous language and added a threat:

“If you do not handle this today, I will call all our colleagues and tell them all kinds of terrible things.” Now, there is gross immaturity! Yet, I once again quietly said,

“Let me check this out: I sent you the information you wanted immediately you asked. Correct?"

“Yes, but it was not as much as I was expecting.”

“Ah, so when you received it, you felt how?”

“I felt like I had over-promised when I made the deal with you and I felt like I was giving much more than you gave me.”

I said, “I told you that I would share all that I had. Do you remember that?”

“Yes, but it was not enough.”

“So, this call is the result of choosing to be upset and angry rather than call and tell me what your concerns were? Am I right?”

No response.

“And the result of doing that was you kept postponing doing your part because you were angry, so that almost two months passed. When I then asked you for your part of the project ten days ago in an email, you then sent your information to my assistant and made arrangements with him to complete the task. Am I right so far?”

No response. By this point, it became clear to me that anything like taking ownership for his part in the problem was simply not going to happen.

This is very difficult for most people. They want to be heard. They want to be sure you know that they are upset. Further, they want to be able to blame someone else for it.

Owning their part in the issue does not seem, to them, to take their pain away. It seems to make it worse, so, they hold on to their anger. He did that.

It would have been very easy to yell at this guy. It’s 5:30 AM for heaven’s sake...But what I wanted was solutions

Again, he began to harp on the demands to have the project completed on that very day and that my assistant was not working hard enough, nor fast enough for his liking and that this was his definition of dishonesty.

The man was definitely not interested in forests or trees. He was focused on making me and my assistant wrong.

Have you ever experienced something like this? Most people have. Did you feel equipped to deal with the conflict, the anger and the confrontation? It is important to have these skills, to know the strategies that will bring about a preferably collaborative, positive result for both people.

So, back to ‘the guy’…

“What I want to know is how can you employ someone who doesn’t do what he says he will do?”

“OK, then,” I said, “let’s talk about that part. When you discussed this with my assistant did you put any timelines on it ? Did you specify a day it was agreed it would be done by?”

Reluctantly, he said, “No but I was sure he would do it right away.”

“What made you so sure?”

“Well, you sent me an email asking for it to be done so I thought you would make sure it got done.”

“Did you have a conversation with me at any time or did you answer my email requesting you do to your part?”

Now, the rubber was hitting the road!

“Well, no. After all, he’s your assistant and you wanted it done.”

“How was I to know that you had talked with my assistant? How would I know what you said? How would I know what was promised? You did not include me in the conversation, yet, you are calling me in the middle of the night angry, upset and threatening me. This is unacceptable. Do not say another thing. I will talk with my assistant and find out what is happening and get back to you.” He sullenly said:

“OK, I won’t say anything further.” And he hung up.

It would have been very easy to yell at this guy. It’s 5:30 AM for heaven’s sake. He did not even have the good grace to apologize for that thoughtlessness!

It would have been very easy to pick on the part of his conversation that would make me right. You know:

“Listen, Bud. You didn’t do your part in seven weeks and you’re yelling at me because someone else did not do it in ten days? What are you thinking?”….or worse.

The important thing to me, though, was to find out what the real issue was and solve it. I don’t have time for people’s petty behaviors and fervent needs to make others’ wrong. That is a self-esteem issue that they can keep! I want solutions. Don’t you? And, preferably, calm, factual solutions, at that!

The issue was solved. I received an email that actually made me smile. Imagine someone so unable and unwilling to be wrong that it began with "no one should be awakened at 5:30 AM." Can you imagine what grave difficulty this person is in that he could not even admit he made that mistake? That’s just sad!

Conflict management skills are learned. Very few folks grew up in households and communities where difficulties were handled well. I wrote Wrestling Rhinos: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds of Work to give everyone the skills they need to feel confident in situations like the one above.

Don’t go into the wilds of work feeling lost in the jungle. Get these skills now.

© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD. All rights reserved.

Optimize! Institute founder & director, Rhoberta Shaler, PhD is a 'people skills' expert. Through speaking, training & coaching, she works with entrepreneurs, executives and their employees to master the 'people skills' that grease the wheels of business and life--communication, negotiation, conflict and anger management, mediation, networking. In the last twenty-five years, she has made it easier for thousands to talk about difficult things and shift their results from acceptable to exceptional! Click here for more information or call 760.735.8686.

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