What Kind of an Idiot
Do You Think I Am?

Say, for example, a friend interrupts to interpret what you're saying to somebody else. What, does she think you can't speak for yourself? Perhaps it's only natural to get hot under the collar when someone gives you reason to suspect that he or she considers you stupid, inept, or just a plain old idiot. But almost invariably, it really isn't about you....

"What are you doing? I wouldn’t put that stuff in my body. You’re going to put that in your tea?"

She said it with such disdain and disgust, that I hesitated as I held the little blue packet of substitute sweetener in my hand. I wasn’t sure how to respond. I do know what my first impulse was, and I was certain that it wasn’t the way to go.

Now, I know without a doubt that this woman is my friend. I know she likes me and I know that she was in no way commenting negatively on me, or my choices.

It was just the way that she spoke and the inflection that she used that gave the impression that she was putting me down. Even with all that awareness, I must say, there was a part of me that wanted to say: "Oh, and what? Like there’s something wrong with me because I WOULD put this in my body?"

In my career as a communications consultant, I have repeatedly seen people in situations like this get upset and frustrated because they believe that someone else thinks they are stupid, inept or just a plain old idiot. If you live and work on this planet, it’s probably happened to you, as well.

And it’s not just about what kind of sweetener you use. It could be situations like:

1. Someone is explaining something to you that you already know. And as far as you are concerned, he should know that you know. What? Does he think you are an idiot?

2. Someone interrupts you to interpret what you are saying to someone else. What? Does she think you can’t speak for yourself?

3. Someone prefaces his comment to you by saying something like, "You probably won’t understand this, but…" "What? Does he think you are dense or something?"

The other person is simply using a communication style that they learned a long time ago

This list could go on and on. And while the situations can be most frustrating, how you handle them could actually make or break your relationship with that person.

Thank goodness I have learned to keep my mouth shut while I think about what response I want to go with. Believe me, this wasn’t always the case.

I want to share with you what I did in this situation with my friend, and offer a few other possibilities that you might bear in mind under a variety of conditions. Please consider the following:

1. If you think this person might really be putting you down.

a. Think: "calm, level, unemotional and straightforward."
b. Say: "I might be wrong about this, but I could have sworn I heard a bit of a put-down in that comment. Did you mean it that way?" (Requires a LOT of confidence.)

2. If this is someone to whom, for whatever reasons, you need to show the utmost respect (e.g., a future mother-in-law, your boss, a potential boss).

a. Think: "Hmmm. Maybe he knows something I don’t know about this" (Requires a LOT of humility.)
b. Say: "I’ve heard contradictory reports on the safety of this product. What have you heard?"

3. If you are in a situation similar to mine. You are with a friend whom you like and you know likes you.

a. I thought: "I know she sounds harsh and critical – and – I’m certain she doesn’t mean it that way."
b. I said: "Yup. I like it." Then I asked how her daughter was doing. (Requires a lot of self-control.)

I truly believe that, no matter what the situation, it really isn’t about you. The other person is simply using a communication style that they learned a long time ago.

And the fact that it doesn’t get them the results that they want, doesn’t seem to matter. They just continue operating on autopilot without realizing how their comments impact others. Awareness on your part of what’s at play can remove you from the drama and set you on the path to an effective resolution of the situation.

So, the next time someone gives you the "what kind of an idiot are you" behavior – you can let them know by your response. You are the smart, articulate, professional kind.

© Copyright 2006, Linda Larsen

Linda Larsen helps individuals think strategically, communicate effectively, and celebrate success. She is an international keynote speaker, trial consultant and author of the book, True Power, and the best selling audio program, 12 Secrets to High Self-Esteem. She can be reached at htttp://www.lindalarsen.com or 941-927-4700.

Some Related Articles:

Words Have No Meaning Until You Give it to Them
The Heavy Price of Putdowns
When NOT to Listen
Are You Talking to Me? How to Effectively Receive Feedback
Win the 'Yeah, But' Game in 5 Easy Steps
The Frown, the Smirk and the Snort
Go Ahead - Push My Buttons!
How to Defuse Other People's Anger

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