Tips to Help You "Hear" Feedback
And Use It to Your Advantage

“I can’t believe she criticized my writing style. I worked on that report for a week!”

Nothing bruises the old ego like a dose of negative feedback. Whether you are a naďve newbie or a seasoned vet, the sting of criticism can still leave a mark.

Career experts will tell you that being perceived as “coachable” is one of the hallmarks of the upwardly mobile, which means being able to take feedback well.

But how do you do that when what you really want to do is reach out and throttle the messenger, or defend and justify yourself until the person throws up his hands in surrender?

There are a few smart moves you can make that will buy you some time to react appropriately and absorb the feedback, so you can use it your own advantage. The next time you take a shot, remember these:

Fake it ‘till you get it

Paraphrase what you hear. It will buy you some time to think and it will make you look like you are absorbing the feedback—even if you feel as though you’ve been whacked by a brick.

Mirroring back what the person says doesn’t mean you necessarily agree with what they say…it merely means you are trying to understand what they say. There is an important difference.

So, if your boss says, You need to do a better job of communicating with me. I don’t know what you are working on—I want you to be more accountable,” respond with, “So, you want to be updated more regularly on what I’m working on.” If your first reaction is to jump to your own defense, or justify your behavior, your boss will only push back harder because she doesn’t think you are taking in the feedback.

Suck out the poison

This may sound masochistic, but you need to suck out the details of the criticism and get it out on the table, where you can examine it from all angles and decide if you are going to do anything about it. If you only get a tip of it, or a hint about what is really wrong, you run the risk of missing the real problem.

To suck out the poison, you must appear calm, even if there is a tsunami going on in your head, and draw out more details by asking questions: “What concerns you about how I communicate now?” “What would you like more details about?” “What would it look like if I were doing it very well?”

Only then will you know what the problem is, how big it is, and if you’re willing and able to fix it. If you slip up and start getting defensive or angry, the flow of information is likely to stop, or the discussion will morph into an argument.

You can’t afford that. “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know,” is an old proverb that works here.

Observe the 48 hour sulking rule

Usually criticism takes awhile to sink in. First we want to get angry with the person, who had the gall to tell us, then we want to justify our position, then we want to find a reason why that person’s opinion has no credibility, and then we want to seek out someone who will agree with our own rationale.

The problem is, if you do any of this publicly—as in, out loud at work—it will not be pretty. You will be labeled “defensive” or “unwilling to change.” Not only can this cut you off from future feedback, it can destroy your career growth and progression.

Instead, thank the person and tell her that you need to think about what she said. Then don’t go blabbing about it to anyone else—except perhaps your spouse or best friend. Ask yourself:

• What part of their message have I heard before?
• Are there elements of truth to what he is saying?
• How is his perception different from my intentions, and how could he have reached this conclusion?

Go past how it was delivered and focus on the message

Unfortunately, the person giving us the bad news often doesn’t do it very well.

“Why do you always…?” “You’re never willing to…” In addition to the poor choice of words, like always and never, there is often the implied threat of some nasty consequence.

If your boss is dishing it out, you worry that it will hurt your chances at a promotion. If it is coming from a peer, with whom you’ve had conflicts in the past, you may find yourself reacting to the bitter residue from old battles.

Sometimes a trusted friend can help you out of this blind alley. Talking it over with someone who can help you sort out the message from the messenger, will enable you to get some emotional distance from the person and gain some honest perspective about what he or she was really trying to tell us.

Why is it worth all this work?

Because once you really understand what the gap is between what you are doing and the desired results you want, you will see the gift: the opportunity to grow yourself and your career in ways you may have never seen had you not been criticized.

Your career is your responsibility. Create your own job security by acting more like an entrepreneur at work. Learn how to “sell” your skills to your organization, add more value on the job, develop your internal advocates and identify your personal motivators. Take charge of your career today, with Joan Lloyd’s learning system, You, Inc. – Success Strategies to Boost Your Career & Help Your Organization.

Joan Lloyd has a solid track record of excellent results. Her firm, Joan Lloyd & Associates, specializes in leadership development, organizational change and teambuilding. This includes executive coaching, 360-degree feedback processes, customized leadership training, conflict resolution between teams or individuals, internal consulting skills training for HR professionals and retreat facilitation. Clients report results such as: behavior change in leaders, improved team performance and a more committed workforce.

Joan Lloyd has earned her C.S.P. (certified speaking professional) designation from the National Speakers Association and speaks to corporate audiences, as well as trade & professional associations across the country. Reach her at (800) 348-1944, mailto:info@joanlloyd.com, or www.JoanLloyd.com.

About Joan Lloyd
Joan Lloyd & Associates provide
Joan Lloyd's management, career & job hunting tools
FREE subscription to receive Joan's article by "Special Delivery"

Contact Joan Lloyd & Associates at mailto:info@joanlloyd.com to: submit your question, for consideration for publication, request permission to reprint an article for distribution, or for information about carrying Joan Lloyd's weekly column in your publication, or on your Internet or Intranet site.
© Joan Lloyd & Associates, Inc.

Some Related Articles:

Giving Difficult Feedback
Providing Balanced Feedback
Embrace Your Critics!
Are You Talking to Me? How to Effectively Receive Feedback
Has Your Workplace Gone Too Far on the 'Nice Scale'?
When You're Afraid to Talk to Your Boss
"And Never is Heard a Discouraging Word..."