Many people complain that social small talk is too superficial to be satisfying. Routine talk about weather, work, and family can be that way.

The main two reasons for a conversation remaining superficial are these:

• Habits take over and the conversation runs on these tracks.
• Conversers don't know tools that could deepen their talk

Ways to go deeper faster

If you already have a comfortable connection with the person you are talking to (that is, the person is not a stranger), you can shift from doing about half the talking to mainly listening. You can provide the other with some "golden silence" that is not awkward, but nourishing, while at the same time giving cues for them to say more and go further.

For example, you can ask "and then what happened?" and "how did you feel about that?" You can say simply, "Tell me more."

When a person has an opportunity to tell their story in safety and with support, they'll often tell it in detail and depth.

For example, the many times I have used the ground rules and questions in my Better Conversation Kit. I've found that others have a lot to say when they're supported in saying it.

The reports come back that family and social groups have lively and in-depth conversations and groups of elders reminisce in detail. Even an adult care center in Oakland reported that their Altzheimer's patients became very talkative when given specific life questions to respond to. Note: If you're interested, read more about this kit here.

Two deeper questions you can ask

Instead of "weather talk" or "sports talk" or "wardrobe chat," you might wish to consider asking either of these two questions:

• "What is your greatest challenge at this time?"

You can specify the context, such as "at work" or "in your personal life." (If you don't know the person well, you can just keep the question general and let them choose their response.)

This question topic is sometimes called the "pain point." That is, the one causing the most discomfort, the most trouble, the greatest pain. However, if your conversational partner chooses not to talk with you about the matter, just step back and talk about other things.

• "What is exciting to you at this time? Or:"What is giving you the greatest sense of accomplishment"?

Here you are giving a person the chance to share their passion:

"I've been really pleased that the Little League team I coach has an 8 and 2 record." Or, "I won the salesperson of the month award at work."

When they begin to talk about this, give them lots of golden silence and emotional support. Give them the green light to talk at length about their achievement.

This topic can be called the "pride point." Almost everyone has one and, with encouragement, is pleased to talk about it. When they do so, share their enthusiasm and cheer them on.

What I have said above is that the keys to going deeper faster are shifting the focus from yourself to the other person by giving them full attention and by asking them a "deepening question."

One caveat before you use either of the suggested questions:

Don't ask a question of others that you wouldn't be willing to respond to yourself. Otherwise you'll be out of integrity.

If your conversation partner answers your question about their greatest challenge, you should be prepared to reciprocate because (as often happens) they are likely to ask you the same question.

Loren Ekroth © 2006, All rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life. His articles and programs strengthen critical communication skills for business and professional people. Contact Loren at Loren@conversation-matters.com. Check out a wealth of valuable resources and articles at http://www.conversation-matters.com.

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Emotional Intelligence and the Art of Conversation
Conversation and Compulsive Talkers
Overcoming Conversational Power Plays
Conversation: Is It a Declining Art?
Four Ideas for Adding Humor to Your Conversations
Why Do You Ask?
The Art of Starting a Conversation