Experience has taught me the best way to deal with critics is to give them ample opportunity to do what they do best. Let’s look at an example of an overly critical colleague I used to work with.

Donald was (and probably still is) a perfectionist and a chronic critic. Nothing was ever good enough for him. He could find a flaw in anything and he always had an opinion about what he would have done differently.

Donald had one more especially irritating habit though. Instead of bringing his criticism to me, he’d take it straight to my boss.

The boss (another story for another time) felt the need to share Donald’s input with me. There was a time it felt like a never ending cycle of Donald “reporting me to the boss” and the boss delivering the criticism.

You might guess they were both getting under my skin. I knew that it was up to me to find a way to change what I could and minimize the stress it was causing me. This is what I did:

My 5-step action plan

1. Stop resisting!
I believe that “what we resist, persists”, so I needed to stop resisting the criticism.

2. Change what you can
Donald’s habit of criticizing was deeply ingrained. I knew that only he could change it. If nothing else, I thought it was worth a try to get him to bring his suggestions to me.

3. Embrace the critic
I decided to think of Donald as my own personal critic. I’d ask for his opinion rather than wait to hear it. I created a space where he could dump whatever was on his mind.

I listened intently and made it easy for him to do what he did best. After all, it was my choice to decide whether to use the advice or not.

4. Establish an agreement
One of the most important aspects was to get Donald to come to me instead of going directly to the boss, so I made an agreement with him. The conversation went like this:

Me: Donald, I know we’ve never talked about this before, but it might be time for us to come to an agreement on something. Let me ask you this…when I have a concern about something you’ve said or done, would you prefer that I approach you with it, or should I just talk to the boss about it?

Donald:Well of course, I want you to come directly to me.

Me: Good, I feel the same way. When you have a concern about something I’ve said or done, I want you to come directly to me as well. Lately, I’ve been getting a fair amount of feedback from the boss about things you think I should do differently. From now on, can I count on you to bring those suggestions to me? What I mean is, do we have an agreement?

Donald: Sure!

5. Reinforce the new behavior
Although I never made any promises, I always told Donald how much I appreciated the time he took to share his thoughts. As he left my office, I always gave him one more opportunity: “If you think of anything else, be sure to let me know, ok?”

In case you’re wondering, it was successful!

By changing my thinking and taking responsibility I was able to strengthen my relationship with Donald, get the boss off my back, and reduce my stress. The experience with Donald was a great lesson for me.

© 2006 Lora J Adrianse

As the owner of Essential Connections, Lora Adrianse is a catalyst for clients who aspire to create dynamic business relationships with their colleagues and customers. She authors a free monthly newsletter, "Relating@Work". Go to her website at http://www.connectionscoach.com to subscribe now! Lora also writes some thought-provoking blogs: Essential Connections, Get Your Career in Gear. and her newest offering: Your Customers Matter, Don't They?.

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