When Your Ethical Behavior
Brings Pressure From Coworkers

Dear Joan:

I have a problem with a coworker who joined the company at about the same time as I did (approximately three months ago). He has complained to the boss about me once, through his friend, and regularly gossips about me. I explained the situation to my boss and how he had misinterpreted my behavior to him and that problem was solved.

However, whenever I stop smiling at him in order to show my disapproval about his gossiping, he complains to other coworkers about that too.

If you could give some advice on different other ways of showing my disapproval, rather than stop smiling, I would appreciate that. I am never involved in any kind of gossiping in the office and hence, I find it difficult to be proactive in order to counteract his behavior.

On a general level, not being part of the grapevine gives me a feeling of being defenseless. I feel I am always reactive, never proactive. I would greatly appreciate if you could guide me on how to defend myself without being defensive and if there are other ways to explain your side without being part of a grapevine.

Answer:

Your desire to “show disapproval” is probably putting you in the cross hairs. As long as you attempt to judge him, correct him, or disapprove of him, you will be his favorite target.

He is immature and he will likely react like he did when his teachers and parents scolded him — he’ll intensify his efforts to push your buttons — and turn others against you.

Most people like to socialize — even gossip at bit — at work. It is usually harmless. As long as it isn’t mean spirited or harmful, ignore it. Take away his target and stop reacting; ignore him and he’ll find someone else to aim for.

You don't need to be a part of the grapevine to keep your reputation healthy

In the meantime, excel at your job and be friendly with all of your co-workers — including him. You don’t need to be a part of the grapevine to keep your reputation healthy. Just make sure you are easy to work with and deliver results to your boss.

If he’s as immature as I suspect, this childish behavior will soon be evident to your boss. If your co-worker attempts to discredit you in the future, your excellent reputation is likely to win the day.

Dear Joan:

I work at a bar where I got along with all the other girls until recently. I came to one particular bartender with my drink order and I handed her the money for the drink (at my bar we have to prepay for all the drinks before delivering them to the customer). I picked up my drink and saw her put the money I gave her into her tip jar.

I was quite outraged by this and mistakenly sought the advice of another coworker on what to do about the matter. She advised me not to tell the boss, for fear that he would get angry at all of us and call a meeting.

I went against her advice and told him anyways. He was appreciative of my honesty and thanked me for informing him. Subsequently, a meeting was called, involving only the bartenders, and my confidant ratted me out.

So, you can imagine the anger I have faced from not only the guilty bartender, but all of the other bartenders and her loyal friends. I'm sure they believe I was just trying to get her fired.

In retrospect, I wish I had confronted her before telling the boss. My question to you is this: Should I stick it out where I am, apologize to everyone and hope they move on? Or should I start fresh somewhere else and learn from my mistake?

Answer:

Answer:

You have made no “mistake.” While I agree that you could have confronted your co-worker first—to make certain it wasn’t an error—I doubt the outcome would have been any different.

If she is the only one who is stealing, why are the others angry with you for calling her on it? The answer is that they are all probably guilty to some extent and your honesty threatens all of them. They are attempting to use peer pressure to punish you—and perhaps coerce you into looking the other way…something I doubt you will do.

There are a lot of bartender jobs. When you leave, ask your boss for a good reference and tell him exactly why you are leaving. If he’s smart, he’ll clean house — and watch his business a little closer.

Tell potential employers the story — I suspect they will be glad to make you part of their team.

Joan Lloyd newest workshop for supervisors and managers, Strategies to Resolve & Reduce Employee & Team Conflict, provides real-world solutions for real-life situations.

Joan Lloyd has a solid track record of excellent results. Her firm, Joan Lloyd & Associates, specializes in leadership development, organizational change and teambuilding. This includes executive coaching, 360-degree feedback processes, customized leadership training, conflict resolution between teams or individuals, internal consulting skills training for HR professionals and retreat facilitation. Clients report results such as: behavior change in leaders, improved team performance and a more committed workforce.

Joan Lloyd has earned her C.S.P. (certified speaking professional) designation from the National Speakers Association and speaks to corporate audiences, as well as trade & professional associations across the country. Reach her at (800) 348-1944, mailto:info@joanlloyd.com, or www.JoanLloyd.com.

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