Six Common Mistakes
That Spoil Conversations

It's always easier to be aware of another's conversational mistakes than our own.

Our own mistakes are so habitual, so well-intentioned, they easily escape our notice. We are just being ourselves, right? Nonetheless, others making mistakes can be our teachers, if only by serving as negative examples.

These mistakes apply to most social and much business conversation. They are mistakes because they injure the integrity of the conversation by blocking its flow, creating frustration, and reducing understanding and satisfaction.

Here are six of the most common ones::

1. Blabbermouthing

Talking too much, way out of balance. Going on and on without giving the other(s) their turn. The one who hogs the talk-channel soon frustrates others, and they tune out the blabbermouth. Involved in their own monologues, blabbers feel some satisfaction in carrying on - even when they have lost the involvement of the (former) listener.

Some professionals suffer from the occupational hazard of this mistake - professors, clergy, speakers and trainers, and others who are paid to talk for a living.

2. The "take-away" and "me-too" syndrome

A talker begins a topic and the listener grabs it away and opens a me-centered monologue. You say, "I saw a great movie last weekend . . ." and the listener-soon-to-be talker says, "Oh? I saw one, too . . ." and begins to describe their experience.

The initiator of the movie topic is unable to complete their thought because it's been high-jacked. This is a very childlike and frustrating behavior, and eventually drives people away.

3. Unsolicited advice

Some people are quick to give advice as soon as the other person mentions a problem. "Have you thought of . . .? "Why don't you . . .?" erupt quickly from their overflowing volcanoes of counsel.

Men seem especially prone to this tendency, although women are not immune from it. It is also prevelant among "professional know-it-alls" such as teachers, managers, administrators, and some lawyers, ministers, and counselors.

When offered to friends and other peers, the advice-giver assumes the authority or even parenting role, and that can be off-putting. Better to let the person finish and then, perhaps, to ask "Are you asking for my opinion?" or "What alternatives have you thought of?"

4. Interrupting

This means butting in before your partner has completed the thought. Usually this is done because the interrupting people are impatient and are afraid of not getting their thoughts expressed.

Many of these interruptions occur on TV interviews when the host has guests with opposing views. The guests butt in, over-talk, even shout in order to get in their words. (According to some producers, this makes for exciting television. I think it simply creates an annoyance.)

5. Contradicting

This is the ultimate conversation-blocker. Although great in structured debate, direct disagreement is not helpful in conversation, which is at its best when its mutual and collaborative.

"I disagree with you" or the more gingerly "Yes, BUT." are in plentiful supply in many conversations, and another form of the "I'm right, you're wrong" game. (If chocolate is right, must vanilla be wrong? Or just different?)

The better way is to hear out the point of view being expressed, check that you understand it, then offer "My view is different from yours. Let me explain." People who feel heard and understood are more likely to hear and understand someone expressing a different view.

6. Stingy contributors

This describes the people who listen, take and receive, but don't give.

They contribute little enthusiasm, information, self-disclosure, acknowledgement,compliments or other elements that lift a conversation. They like to "pick the brains" of others, but contribute nothing. They take few risks, and while others share personal experiences, the "stingy contributor" remains cool and contained with personal matters. This cautious, ungenerous style causes an out-of-balance conversation in which real trust can never exist.

When you find you are becoming frustrated or annoyed in a conversation, there is a good chance that the other party is exhibiting one of these mistakes. You are experiencing how these mistake patterns cause problems. With your heightened awareness, now work to eliminate them from your own repertoire.

Loren Ekroth ©2003

Loren Ekroth is a speaker and author in Las Vegas. His weekly skill-building ezine, Conversation Pieces, can be subscribed to at his website, ConversationMatters.com

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