Does Your Conversation Bomb?

bomb, vb. (American slang)

to fail or be disappointing.

as in "That party bombed."

The chance is pretty good that part of your conversation bombs, actually. The reason? Unless you are mindful and tuned into the nuances of conversation, you are probably running "on automatic" most of the time, which further means that you rely mainly upon your deeply-ingrained habits of expression.

Here are some indicators of "bombing" conversation. Check to see if any of these apply to you.

For me, conversation is competition

Your underlying conception of conversation is as a competitive activity. Can you have the last word? Who is funnier? Who is "more right" in an argument about sports or politics? Who is smarter, quicker, more verbal?

If you act out such a competition, your conversation is definitely bombs. Conversation that is good or great is a collaboration, not a competition.

I fake listening

Although you remain silent, you're not really listening. Instead, you're rehearsing what you plan to say when you can grab another turn at talking.

Sure, you give mock-acceptance to the other(s) and you nod and look attentive, but you pick up very little of what others say and mean.

Instead, you use their utterances as launching pads for your own ideas with "take-aways." Bill says "I've been down with the flu" and you say, "Yeah, I had the flu last year myself, and it was awful, etc., etc."

I contribute very little

You offer very little that is valuable. No new information, no fresh insights, no really interesting questions, few encouraging words.

You rarely head down the "road less taken" and, instead, take the path of least resistance by relying on predictability, thus structuring the time for talk with safe but dull topics.

You are poorly informed on current community events and seem not to care, which means also that you'll deflect or minimize the valuable contributions of others.

I enjoy correcting others

You are on a mission to "improve" others and do so by correcting them when they are (as you see it) wrong. Quick with a "Yes, but . . ." response, you are finely attuned to errors, small and large. You'll correct a person's grammar, pronunciation, facts, or conclusions. The possibilities are endless.

If challenged, you have a default defense: "I'm only trying to be helpful here."

However, as author Lori Palatnik wrote, "Those who brag about being 'brutally honest' are usually more interested in being brutal than in being honest."

I dominate the conversation

You dominate most conversations with loudness or wordiness and suck up most of the energy available for mutual conversation. You may suffer from the malady of logorrhea, or "pathologically excessive talking."

For you, a cluster of people is merely a target audience. You come across with a "See me! Hear me!" demeanor, and people who know you will tend to avoid you.

I don't disclose much

You disclose very little so that few people know how you really feel or think. To get along, you go along, playing your thoughts like a hand of cards in draw poker.

Always conflict-avoidant, you express yourself in a cautious, tepid manner, rarely showing a different point of view and offering only faint praise or thanks for the deeds of others. You come across as a "Milque Toast" person.

Good news, bad news

Any one of the above habits is an indicator of "conversation bombing." The good news is that any of the above habits can be changed with a modest dose of effort

. The bad news is that few people will make the effort to change despite the big social rewards that would likely follow.

Loren Ekroth © 2007, All rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life. His articles and programs strengthen critical communication skills for business and professional people. Contact Loren at Loren@conversation-matters.com. Check out a wealth of valuable resources and articles at http://www.conversation-matters.com and subscribe to his weekly Better Conversations ezine.

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