Effective Communication

What, marriage is bad for your health? Hardly. Few things can be more health-promoting than a good marriage. But read that headline again. What's going on in your marriage?

To be more specific, marital conflict can be bad for your health. A growing body of research now bears this out, points out Dr Joshua Coleman, prolific contributor to our site (as well as dozens of media outlets around the world) on parenting and family dynamics, in his e-newsletter, The Coleman Report .

Some of the evidence: Ongoing marital conflict appears to worsen the symptoms of women with rheumatoid arthritis and results in elevated blood pressure for both men and women. Marital conflict may also worsen the symptoms of neurological disorders such as Alzheimer's Disease and Parkinson's. And more.

But it's not only a question of physical health, and observable physical symptoms are only part of it. Nor is it only the two spouses that suffer. Dr Coleman reminds us that high conflict marriages also interfere with the ability to parent for both genders.

Studies show that fathers are more likely to withdraw from their children and from the parenting role in marriages that are characterized by ongoing conflict. In addition, they may become more negative and intrusive with their children than fathers in satisfactory marriages, or mothers in poor marriages.

Other studies reveal that the mother's feelings about the father can affect how much he stays involved with the kids and how much he enjoys being a Dad. Angry mothers are more likely to try and exclude fathers from child involvement than mothers who aren't angry. Both mothers and fathers are more likely to be depressed in a high conflict marriage.

Dr. Coleman alerts us to some of the most common underlying causes of marital strife. Typically, a combination of several are involved. These include: growing up in a home where there was ongoing marital conflict, outside stressors (such as worry over money, career, in-laws), and inside stressors (such as differences in parenting attitudes, division of household labor, spending habits, differences in sex drive, etc.).

Most telling of all, in most high conflict marriages, one or both spouses have never learned how to communicate.

The bottom line: if the above sounds painfully familiar, get help now! However hopeless the situation may seem to you right now, it doesn't necessarily mean you have only two choices: get divorced or live a life of hell forever. Far from it; you may be pleasantly surprised.

Labels: marriage, parenting

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