Effective Communication

In the world of business, you find three kinds of people: the unsuccessful, the temporarily successful, and those who become and remain successful. When all's said and done, what does the last category have that the others don't?

It's not talent. It's not business acumen, or knowledge of the market. Nor is it intuition or a special knack for dealing with people. It's not even dogged perseverance nor good old fashioned luck.

According to the author of a new book by a billionaire philanthropist who founded a company that grew to be the largest petrochemical and plastics business in the world, there's only one answer to our question: character.

"Character," explains Jon M. Huntsman in the new work, "is how you act when no one is watching...Once dishonesty is introduced, distrust becomes the hallmark of future dealings or associations." He quotes the 18th century Scottish philosopher Frances Hutcheson: "Without staunch adherence to truth-telling, all confidence in communication would be lost."

Huntsman's book is aptly entitled: Winners Never Cheat: Everyday Values We Learned as Children (But May Have Forgotten). Indeed, his description of how his childhood values carried over to his later business life is most illuminating:

As a teenager, he writes, his father explicitly stipulate "a.m" or "p.m." when he ordered him to be home by 8 o'clock, but he knew very well his father meant 8 that night. Similarly, "there was no fine print to detail what was meant when he said he didn't want me driving the family Ford. Although technically, he only said I shouldn't drive that 1936 Ford coupe, he was including my friends." Although a lawyer might have counseled that technically and legally his friends or anyone else were not prohibited from driving the car, our future business tycoon knew better.

So why, asks Huntsman, do we employ the same feeble excuses in our business and professional lives when we are caught doing something we knew we shouldn't be doing?

"As we grow older, our rationale for not abiding by the rules would make a master storyteller green with envy.... We rationalize that immoral behavior is accepted practice. Shifting responsibility away from ourselves has become an art form."

Indeed. And I think we need to ask a pertinent question here.

In later life, the author clearly succeeded in sustaining, and building upon, the moral and ethical values that he had imbibed from his parents and teachers, and possibly other adults in his community, during his youthful days . Many others who enter the business world, as he intimates, are not so successful with this.

Some willfully cast off the moral and ethical values they had inherited at the very first opportunity. In other cases, the whittling away of acquired ethical standards may be more gradual, as young entrepreneurs from the best backgrounds slowly succumb to the unrelenting pressure and intensely competitive atmosphere of modern business.

But whether sudden or slow, if this erosion of principles is so commonplace with people who were indeed exposed to the right role models and a sound educational environment in their early lives, what chance will youngsters have who didn't have that privilege?

We've stressed it before. Parental example, whether for good or bad, is undoubtedly the most powerful influence on a child's moral and social development. The influence of teachers and other significant adults in the child's immediate environment shouldn't be ignored either.

And indeed, the process continues throughout life. College students watch their professors. Workers keep a close eye on their managers and supervisors. The less educated keep tags on the more educated. Civic and political are targets for emulation, one way or the other.

It's an awesome responsibility for all of us.

Labels: business ethics, the workplace

Stumble It!

The title of this piece may sound like a contradiction in terms, but no, it makes perfectly good sense.

Disappointment, disapproval, resentment, bitterness, frustration, anger. All these are emotions that are clearly "negative", in the sense that, generally speaking, we don't perceive of them as "ideal" states of mind and people don't feel that way by choice. It's just that external circumstances (We didn't order them!) are unfavorable right now and what we feel seems to be an inevitable and unavoidable reaction to these circumstances.

Whether or not that last statement is entirely accurate, there's no denying that these negative feelings are a natural part of daily life. In the world of nature, you can't have heat without cold, light without darkness, nor health without disease. So, too, in the realm of human interaction, we can't expect positive without negative.

What's crucial is not whether or not we have these feelings, but how we express and control them. So crucial, in fact, that this is the likely "make or break" factor in all kinds of interpersonal relationships, and nowhere is this more true than in the relationship between marriage partners.

How do you handle your negative feelings towards your spouse, your children, your friends or fellow workers?

If you express them in an uncontrolled outburst of violent rage, the fallout for you and those near and dear to you is hardly likely to be pleasant - to put it mildly. Even if you give vent to your feelings in a way that's more controlled but deliberately intended to hurt - such as through sarcasm, ridicule or name-calling, the communication will be anything but effective.

But another way of dealing with such feelings is in some respects the worst of all, and unfortunately, it's far too common. That's when you don't express your negative emotions at all but keep them hidden inside you. By holding them in, you think you'll make them go away.

But they don't. In your heart, the tension you've tried so hard to suppress builds up. And builds up. And builds up. Until....

Professional counselor Dr Meir Wikler, in a book entitled Ten Minutes a Day to a Better Marriage, tells a story that I strongly suspect will strike a cord with many who are reading these lines.

Aaron didn't know how to express negative feelings in a positive way. His mistake was that he through he could maintain peace at home simply by restraining them.

But such restraint does have its limits. Therefore, whenever he was particularly upset about something his wife Sarah said or did, his internal pressure cooker would boil over. He would lash out at her with such rage and venom that she would be scared stiff. Next day, he would be overcome with embarrassment and promise himself and his wife he would never repeat such outbursts.

One day, Aaron kept swallowing in every comment from Sarah that he regarded as disrepectful, derogatory or demeaning. Then, as he was standing in the kitchen, Sarah crossed a red line one more time with a criticism he felt was unfair.

What did Aaron do? He "calmly" walked over to the sink, took the bottle of dishwashing liquid and squeezed some of it into the pot of spaghetti Sarah was cooking on the stove. Then he stormed out of the house. Apparently, it took many months to pick up the pieces of the shattered trust between him and Sarah.

Please read for yourself Dr. Wikler's analysis of the mistakes made on both sides and his rules for avoiding this kind of messy situation in your own home. This informative extract from his book, I dare to propose, must be compulsory reading for all who are married or aspire towards marriage, and certainly if you feel your relationship is somewhat shaky.

I've said it often: marriage, like any other worthwhile achievement, is hard work. It just doesn't work to drive our relationships on automatic pilot.

Labels: emotional maturity, interpersonal relationships

Stumble It!

Imagine that the Internal Revenue Service in your country claimed that you owe $1000 plus in tax arrears.

You dispute this, and you challenge the tax people in court, but the court rules that they're right. Especially if you're a person of substantial means, you'd pay up with a shrug of the shoulders. "Too bad," you'll comfort yourself, "you can't win all the time!" and you'll put the matter out of your mind fairly quickly.

Now let's assume that instead of the government, an acquaintance, or even a good friend, alleges that you're in his debt, for whatever reason, for the same sum of money.

Again, you go to court.

Your alleged creditor pleads his case, you plead yours. Eventually, the judge decides in his favor, and even explains to you very patiently why the money rightfully belongs to your opponent.

How do you react to your loss now?

Probably, even if you're very wealthy, you're not about to shrug it off so quickly this time!

Why not? Because somebody else is gaining at your expense! If there's anything worse than a property loss, it's an Ego loss. Now, for most of us, that's really a heavy burden to bear!

What brings this kind of scenario to mind is some recent research into an interesting social paradox. Over the past 50 or 60 years, developed countries have been growing progressively richer, but their people, on the whole, don't seem to have become much happier.

Yes, more rich people, proportionately speaking, claim to be happier at any given time than do poorer people. This should lead you to the conclusion that as incomes rise and a country as a whole grows richer, both the relatively rich and the relatively poor would become happier.

But this isn't the case, apparently. It may still be axiomatic that an individual who becomes richer becomes happier, or at least claims to be. But when society as a whole gets wealthier, nobody seems more pleased with their lot. Why?

In a series of lectures at the London School of Economics this year, Richard Layard, an economics professor at the School, reviewed the evidence from several disciplines in an attempt to solve this paradox. One explanation he mentioned is "habituation": that is, improvements to living standards make people happy for a while, but the effect soon fades as they begin to take the innovations for granted. Another factor, surely, as we discussed recently, is the dazzling array of choices available in affluent societies.

But Layard suggests that there's probably a more fundamental reason why money doesn't automatically make everyone happier. Very simply, people are in the habit of comparing their lot with others. If I have a million but you have two million, I have to be feeling miserable. My million is worthless to me.

As Layard puts it, "The unhappiness that one person's extra income can cause to others is a form of pollution."

In one very telling experiment, students at Harvard University were asked whether they would prefer (a) $50,000 a year while others got half that, or (b) $1000,000 a year while others got twice that much. Yes, you've guessed it - a majority chose (a). Give me less, they said, as long as I'm better off than others! Other studies confirmed this tendency for people to be more concerned about their income relative to others than about their absolute income.

For Lord Layard, as an economist, the main lesson here is probably that the pursuit of material comforts doesn't always lead to happiness. But as for us, we dare not leave it at that.

Well, yes, it's nothing more or less than human nature. But make no mistake. Even human nature can be changed. All that's required is the will. And to the extent that a part of our nature is irrational and damaging to our own wellbeing and that of our fellows, it should be changed.

Are you up to the challenge?

Labels: emotional maturity

Stumble It!

I want to tell you a little story. Not about anything dramatic. Not at all. On the contrary, it's very ordinary.

So ordinary, in fact, that the many onlookers who must have been standing around didn't bat an eyelid when they overheard this brief conversation in a busy butcher shop. Hardly surprising that it made no impression on them because, seemingly, there was nothing to be impressed by.

Except for one highly perceptive soul whose finely tuned spiritual antennae were able to pick up subtle nuances far above the heads of the rest of us. He is a man who often speaks in public, and he was excited by what he had overheard in the butcher shop that day that he just couldn't wait for the first opportunity to share the story with a public audience. And thanks to his fortuitous presence in the shop just at that moment, I'm able to share it with you as well.

A young woman came into the shop and asked for freshly ground beef. The butcher told her that he had just ground some beef and held up a bag for her inspection.

She examined the bag, but rejected it. I t was too white, she claimed. The butcher assured her that the reddest meat turns white in the grinding process, but his young customer wouldn't bite. She remained unconvinced.

The butcher didn't flinch. He held up some red meat for her examination and asked her if it met with her requirements. She confirmed that it was in order, and the butcher put it through the grinder. He politely handed the woman the resulting product without saying a word. It was just as white as the already ground beef he had originally offered her.

As I said, a most unremarkable incident. At this point, if the audience reacted at all, it was only to express their great amazement that the lecturer had seen fit to mention such a trivial incident at all. What was he trying to prove?

But it only took a couple of seconds for the speaker's palpable sense of excitement to infect everybody in the room.

"Look," he said, "what would you have done had you been in this butcher's place. "What would you have said as you handed over the meat and handed the customer's money?"

That answer, of course is obvious. What would any "normal" person have said, if not for something like: "Isn't this just what I told you? When you grind the meat, it turns white."

"And could you have restrained yourself?" asked the lecturer rhetorically. "I could never have restrained myself."

But the butcher did restrain himself.

Now, for most of us, there comes a time in our life when we have to make a choice: do we want to be right or do we want to be loved? When people interact with each other, conflict is inevitable. That's a fact of life we can't run away from. But when handled properly, conflict need not drive the parties further apart. On the contrary, it could bring them closer together.

This is especially true of intimate relationships. Occasional conflict can even promote intimacy.

The truth is that conflict is hardly ever the problem. What tears the heart right out of potentially good relationships is the stubborn streak in the best of us that insists that we are always right on all occasions and in every circumstance. By implication, that means that the other side is never right.

In other words, when something goes sour, our partner is always to blame. And the secret wish of every "blamer" is that the other side will yet wake up one fine morning and say: "Gee, honey, now I understand the error of my ways. You were right and I was wrong. Please forgive me for upsetting you so much!"

Isn't it sad that such a morning never comes?

Now when, through sheer determination, we manage, once and for all, to pull ourselves out of the blame mode that's somehow almost our second nature, that's great. We're well on the way. But we should know that we have not necessarily reached the highest level yet.

Let's take another look at our story. What did our butcher gain by not gently pointing out, as he handed over the goods and took the money, that he was right all along? If he had said it politely and tactfully, the good lady would surely have not taken offence.

But the butcher was concerned with the woman's ego, not his. If, by keeping his mouth shut - even if that ran contrary to plain human nature - he could spare his customer the small embarrassment of knowing that she had been in error, and even if it would have been an embarrassment lasting only a few seconds - why not?

And as we should know, putting the needs of the other party before your own is putting yourself on the fast track of the royal road to happiness.

Labels: interpersonal relationships

Stumble It!

Your head is spinning as you finally pull into the driveway of your home. You've had tough days in the office before, but today beats all records. And in spite of a long string of interruptions entirely beyond your control, you have to complete the project on time, even ahead of time. Or else. The alternative is not appealing to contemplate.

But now you've arrived home. Time to unwind. Haven for shattered nerves. You walk in, your wife greets you and looks you up and down, quickly perceiving your state of total physical and mental exhaustion. She says something that is intended to convey her concern and empathy.

But unfortunately, and indeed not surprisingly considering your fatigued condition, you misinterpret her comment for something disparaging and threatening. On a normal day - no big deal - all that would be needed would be a polite request for clarification. But today...today is different. Different because your reaction is so fast, so automatic. And no one is surprised more than yourself.

You yell and scream at the top of your lungs. The kids burst into tears, the dog starts howling. Your wife is paralyzed with fear, and for that matter, so are you! What happened to you? Did the neighbors hear? Did they call the police already? Not a bad job at all for a gentle, mind-mannered guy like you!

But yes, that's the havoc that stress can sometimes wreak. Stress is often the trigger that could catapult you from relative tranquility to the height of anger in many common situations, all in a matter of seconds. Which is why it's especially important to seek out and use suitable strategies to keep stress under control, before things reach the stage where it controls you! (Also to train your children to develop adequate coping mechanisms while there's still time.)

Now, it would appear, the role of stress and frustration in precipitating anger and aggression has assumed an additional, very disturbing, dimension.

The advanced technology that is part and parcel of our modern lifestyles is obviously one of its greatest blessings. Unfortunately, in many ways, it has also become a curse.

Today, we have pressed into service a mountain of electronic equipment of all shapes and sizes to house our most important records and store all kinds of priceless information, including intimate secrets. Our machines are becoming more and more complicated, which usually means, by definition, the higher the probability that something will go wrong eventually. And when it does, the consequences are becoming all the harder to bear.

The loss of a computer, cell phone or other gadget can be so jolting, says a report last month in the Washington Post, can be so jolting that it's fuelling the rise of what some psychologists are calling "computer rage." A recent survey by a researcher at the University of Maryland found that as many as one out of 10 users have hit, kicked or otherwise abused their equipment when it refuses to work or fails to perform according to the owner's expectations. "We place so much trust in computers that it gets a little scary," commented the researcher.

Interestingly, this phenomenon is said to be transforming the nature of technology service, an industry long infamous for being impersonal. It's almost as if repair teams are being called upon to serve as crisis counselors, social workers or psychologists in addition to their role as technicians.

One customer felt it was the last straw when, after experiencing six computer and two cell phone breakdowns in her household within a short period, her DVD player began to freeze every few minutes during an interesting program. "I was ready to throw everything out the window or burn them or do something violent", she confessed. Luckily, she was able to locate a computer-repair consultant who was skilled enough to calm her down.

Here again, prevention is far better than cure. And I'm talking about you, not your machine. More on this subject in an upcoming post.

Labels: emotional maturity

Stumble It!