Effective Communication

In a previous post, we presented an imaginary scenario about a guy who arrives home after an exceptionally tough day at work, and in consequence of sheer fatigue, misunderstands an innocent remark of his wife's. His stress level is such that he immediately flies into a rage. Another story of a husband's homecoming that results in marital friction of a different type, is told in my article: Subtle Dangers on the Domestic Front (see both variations of Scene Two).

Ideally speaking, that hour of the day when the various members of a family unit return and reunite after many grueling hours spent at the office, at school or whatever outside activity they happened to engaged in, should be among the most pleasant and peaceful of the entire 24-hour cycle. It should be a time of gentle winding down, of soothing jangled nerves, of warm feelings of "we're all together again", and of exchanging news and perspectives of the day in a calm, relaxed atmosphere.

But you know and I know that it doesn't work out that way too often.

For the younger members of the family, the daily act of re-entering the portals of the home can be a part of their regular routine of special significance. It means a return to the comfort, warmth and security of family life after a spell in a very challenging and sometimes frightening world outside.

Consider this scenario: teenager Sharon walks in the door, ready to burst into tears. Her school day has been emotionally draining. Let's say she had a major History test. Her attitude to school tests is normally laid back, but for whatever reason, it was particularly important for her to perform well in this one. She felt the questions were unfair and some of the topics weren't even part of the official syllabus. When she respectfully pointed this out to her teacher, all she got for her trouble was a mouthful!

So she comes in and plaintively calls out: "Ma, where are you? I need to talk to you!"

At this moment, Mom is busy speaking on the phone. Early that morning, she had left a message for an acquaintance to call her in connection with a certain community project they both involved in as volunteers. Just a pity that her fellow activist had to choose just 30 seconds earlier to call back!

"Hey, Sharon, what's the matter with you?" exclaims Mom after covering the mouthpiece with her hand. "You can see I'm on the phone, can't you?"

At this point, the potential tears that Sharon had been bravely trying to hold back cannot be restrained any longer. The trickle quickly becomes a river as she storms out the house in acute disappointment mixed with anger. Mom remains unsympathetic and as she continues her telephone conversation, she makes a mental note to scold her daughter later on for her insolence.

Probably, neither party can be said to be blameless here. Sharon could have considered that Mom might not be available to offer her the comfort she was craving her just at the precise moment she walked in through the door. Her mother could have excused herself momentarily to the lady on the other end of the phone while reassuring Sharon that she would be with her very shortly.

But what I want to stress with this incident is the potential of the hour of homecoming both for family growth and for family heartache. At best, it will be a time of healing, comfort, relaxation, recommitment and reconnection. But perhaps precisely because of its positive potential, it is also a time fraught with danger.

I'm not only talking about the children.

If Dad comes home in a foul mood, ready to blow his top at the slightest provocation, you can't expect his dear wife to show him the warmth and affection he expects. If Mom, for whatever reason, is overflowing with open resentment and hostility when hubby walks through the door, can she expect him to shower her with the care and attention she really deserves?

Of course, I'm by no means implying that since either or both of them are so tightly focused on their own unmet needs of the moment, this entitles them to remain blind to the hell the other may be going through at that time.

Just the contrary. If the overriding, uppermost thought in the mind of each partner, of each member of the family, would always be the special needs, the anguish, the unique difficulties of the others....well, need I complete the sentence?

Indeed something to think about.

Labels: marriage

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