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Why Men Leave |
How to Recognize a Verbal Bully
Are the disparaging comments or verbal insults of a work colleague or acquaintance in your social circle driving you to distraction? Stop and take a deep breath! Score yourself on this revealing quiz, then plan your response accordingly.
by Sam Horn
Bullies Aim Below the Belt
He couldn't see a belt without hitting below it.
- Margot Asquith
The following questionnaire can help you determine whether a challenging individual qualifies as a bonafide bully. The question is, does he or she hit below the belt accidentally or aim below the belt intentionally?
If you are dealing with several difficult individuals, take the time to fill this out separately for each one. Answer the questions, rating the frequency of these behaviors from 1 (Rarely) to 3 (Occasionally) to 5 (Often).
Go with your instinct. Your first answer is usually the most honest because it comes from the gut, not the intellect.
Bully for You? Questionnaire
1. Do you "talk on eggshells" around this person and watch everything you say because you never know what might trigger a tirade?
1 2 3 4 52. Is this person a know-it-all who has to have the last word on everything?
1 2 3 4 53. Does this person act condescending or superior? Does he/she treat you as if you were incompetent?
1 2 3 4 54. Does this person make hurtful remarks and then claim he/she was just kidding?
1 2 3 4 55. Is this person hypercritical? Does s/he blame everyone else for what goes wrong?
1 2 3 4 56. Does this person lie or make exaggerated claims about his or her accomplishments?
1 2 3 4 57. Does he/she have a Jekyll/Hyde personality? Is s/he charming in public and cruel in private?
1 2 3 4 58. Does this person refuse to apologize or admit fault - even if s/he obviously made an error?
1 2 3 4 59. Does this person use aggressive body language, inappropriate touching, or physical violence to intimidate you?
1 2 3 4 510. Does this person dominate conversations and talk over people who try to get a word in edgewise?
1 2 3 4 511. Does this person call you vile names (_itch! _astard!) or have derogatory labels (Klutz! Stupid!) for you?
1 2 3 4 512. Does this person insist on controlling the decisions (i.e., financial, food, travel) and attack you if you dare question his/her judgment or authority?
1 2 3 4 513. Has this person tried to isolate you from friends/family? Is s/he resentful when you spend time with others?
1 2 3 4 514. Does this person play martyr and try to make you feel guilty or responsible for his/her moods?
1 2 3 4 515. Does this person pick fights or criticize you in public because s/he knows you won't cause a scene?
1 2 3 4 516. Has this person pinpointed your weakness or uncove#990000 a secret and used it against to make you feel ashamed?
1 2 3 4 517. If you threaten to end the relationship, does this person make nice to get you back, and then begin mistreating you again?
1 2 3 4 518. If you protest this person's behavior; does s/he go on the offensive and demand to know why you're giving them such a hard time?
1 2 3 4 519. Does this person indulge in crazy-making behavior, such as breaking commitments; reversing statements; twisting things around, and accusing you of over-reacting?
1 2 3 4 520. Are you happier when you're not around this person?
1 2 3 4 5Total Points: ______
Scoring:
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50 or below: This individual is NOT a bully. He/she may be unpleasant to deal with once in awhile, but " win-win" communication on your part will enable the two of you to co-exist cooperatively most of the time.
51 - 75: This person may occasionally cross into bully behavior. You may need to escalate your response in those situations so he/she understands that particular behavior is inappropriate. If you keep your cool and communicate constructively, you'll usually be able to resolve what's wrong, repair the relationship, and move forward, not much worse for wear.
76- 100: Uh... oh! It looks like you've got a full-blown bully on your hands. Do not pass "Go"! Do not collect $200! Get your pen out, sit down, and start taking notes so you can begin planning how you're going to stop this individual from running and ruining your life.
Extracted from the book Take the Bully by the Horns by Sam Horn. Copyright strictly reserved
This article appears by courtesy of Loren Ekroth. Loren's popular weekly skill-building ezine, Conversation Pieces, can be subscribed to at his website: ConversationMatters.com
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