The Art of the Apology:
Are You Getting It Right?

I apologize, but I feel I must begin this article with—an apology. I’m sorry it’s not longer; I’m sorry it’s not shorter; I’m sorry it’s about “I’m sorry.”

Sounds ridiculous, right? That’s my point.

Leaders are now tossing around “I’m sorry” like a football on Thanksgiving Day. Some leaders are over-apologizing, damaging their credibility. Other transgressors are rushing to retract merely to protect their backsides—and only fooling themselves if they think anyone believes them.

Public figures, from football champs and elected officials to runaway brides, are now dripping with contrition. Do we listen? Do we buy it? Do we forgive? Like antibiotics, apologies are becoming ineffective from overuse, but an apology can still bolster your leadership if it’s handled appropriately. The trick is to understand the art of the apology and follow the right steps, which I’ll explain later.

Like antibiotics, apologies are becoming ineffective from overuse

In this age of atonement, a sincere, well-constructed apology is more critical than ever.

Ben Roethlisburger, leader of the Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers, recently apologized to his team, fans, and family for failing to wear a helmet in a motorcycle crash that left him with titanium plates holding his face together. His apology, fed through a PR machine, hit the right note of taking responsibility for safeguarding his health in the future (albeit a tad late).

Compare Big Ben’s fess-up to another incident involving a messed-up mug: Harry Whittington’s. The Vice President’s hunting partner apologized for aiming his face at Dick Cheney’s shotgun. How silly was that? His act of contrition was a misfire—pun fully intended.

Accepting responsibility demonstrates integrity and strength, not weakness. Artful apologies create opportunities to minimize damage, make amends, and move forward with greater credibility.

In a recent tipping point, Oprah Winfrey apologized for being duped by the discredited author of A Million Little Pieces. After being pummeled in the New York Times, Oprah took action by accepting responsibility to show her leadership. You can do the same, no matter how small your role is in a transgression.

How to do it right

Here are some tips on generating goodwill with a contrite but classy apology:

• Don’t sidestep. If you’re embarrassed by an issue, you might instinctively avoid it, wanting to save face. Instead, you’ll look insensitive. A good, honest apology mends relationships and reputations and defuses anger. When you apologize, you will appear confident and empathetic.


• Hit the hot button. Big Ben’s apology worked because he focused specifically on the emotional hot button. His critics faulted him for being irresponsible, so he apologized for his lack of judgment and vowed to always ride with a helmet, if he ever rode again.


• Focus on the recipient. An apology involves much more than a quick “oops – sorry!” Make sure the recipient knows that you fully understand the impact of the transgression and you won’t let it happen again. It’s not about relieving your guilt—it’s about helping the other party overcome bad taste or loss of trust. It’s critical that you convey your understanding of how they’ve been affected.


• Don’t blame the victim. You’ll sound pompous and insincere. Don’t begin with “If I offended anybody…” That sounds like you’re blaming a resentful person for being overly sensitive to remarks that you obviously didn’t intend as an affront. Instead, take responsibility. Say, “I offended you and I’m sorry.”


• Time is of the essence. Apologize as soon as possible. After the Tylenol scare, Johnson & Johnson saved its brand by being contrite, compassionate, and timely about solving the cyanide-laced murders and protecting the public.


• Be ready to respond. Remember Abu Ghraib? When photos of disturbing prisoner abuse shot across the Internet, they created a public outcry. Keep in mind that your mistakes can now be seen by millions in an instant.


• Don’t over-apologize. An apology should not be used as a catch-all phrase to sidestep an issue or head off a confrontation. It’s not a synonym for “pardon me.” Don’t say “I’m sorry” as a filler comment to play nice in the sandbox. In that context, the phrase is grossly overused today—especially by women—and can weaken your reputation and damage your credibility. Say “I’m sorry” only when you or your organization are at fault and you’re acknowledging responsibility.


• Don’t apologize repeatedly for a single mistake. Don’t dwell on the mistake or constantly remind others of it. Focus your energies on a solution and how to correct the error. If you spend too much time peering in the rearview mirror, you’ll hit something else head-on. Learn your lesson and move on.

When it’s time for you to apologize, handle it with honesty and integrity. Let others babble and backpedal. You’ll strengthen your leadership if you recognize an opportunity to acknowledge responsibility, improve relationships, reinforce your reputation, and build trust.

Stand up and stand out—you’ll be sorry if you don’t.

© Copyright Connie Dieken 2006-2008. All Rights Reserved.

Connie Dieken, the president of onPoint Communication, is an executive communication advisor and coach. She is the winner of a 2006 NAWBO Top Ten Women Business Owners Award, an inductee of the Radio and TV Broadcasters Hall of Fame, and the co-author of Communicate Clearly, Confidently and Credibly. She conducts workshops, keynotes, and coaching sessions and can be reached at 800.505.9480 or via e-mail at connie@onpointcomm.com.

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